Sophie is gone…

Yesterday I had to make the hardest choice…

My youngest cat (Shown on my title bar and in my Gravatar) was 13 years old, had health issues from birth defects all her life and a sassy attitude that made you forget she had them.

A little over 2 weeks ago, I took her to the vet, as she was losing weight fast, even with eating regularly. Did the blood panel and it found some elevation in her white blood cell counts and not much else, it was suspected she had a respiratory infection and was given an antibiotic shot and sent home to see if that cleared things up. Thing improved and I thought it would just be the challenge of getting weight back on her left to worry about.

On Thursday evening, she started looked off and I was concerned, this was the long weekend and I just couldn’t afford the Emergency vet if she was getting sick again.

Friday morning, she was suddenly very lethargic and super sucky, so I tucked her in a scarf tied into a sling and babied her all day and evening. She seemed to perk up a little and I hoped I could get her through the weekend.

Saturday morning, I woke up to her limp and barely responsive on the bed next to me. I grabbed her and gave her a light shake and she woke up enough to meow at me, I tried to help her stand up and she fell over and peed herself. I cleaned her up and tried to get her to eat, she flat refused anything, even the soft food in a syringe. I tried water, again she just didn’t seem to have the strength to swallow more than a few drops. Now I am frantic, she has crashed so fast… What do I do?

The only thing I could do, tucked her in her sling and called the emergency vet and find out how much to give her some final peace without suffering. Way more than I could afford, even with help from family. That left me with no choice, except to keep her cuddled, warm, calm and loved. For hours I had watched as she slipped farther and farther down… My heart breaking a little more that I couldn’t afford to let her go fast and peacefully.

At 2:45pm, Saturday July 2nd, she took her last breath and quietly slipped away in my arms.

I was in shock and my mom, suspecting this would happen, sent my dad to come sit vigil with me. He arrived just after she passed and helped to drag my brain out of the shock and deal with her remains for the time being. Grieving is hard, with my mental health, it has been even harder. Seeing things that reminded me of her, or thinking of something related to her set off panic attacks, not just waves of tears, torrents and the heart palpitations were huge (They still are today.) I have already had another huge cry again today and am struggling with the whole thing, I don’t know how to, safely and in a healthy way, deal with my grief.

Trying to deal with the guilt of not being able to take her to the vet. The voices in my head that whisper it was all my fault, I should have taken her to the vet sooner, I could have done better to try and help her… I know it is all just the grief and my twisted brain, it doesn’t help though. I am suffering today and those around me, remind me this is normal. I had 13 fantastic years with my Sophie. She had health issues that once made it iffy that she would make it out of kittenhood, yet she lived a dang good life for herself full of love, cuddles, treats, and frustration when her sassy-ness went too far and things ended up on the floor or some other disaster…

I need to remember, I did that for her. Filled her life full of love and goodness, even when she was a pain in the butt. Rest in peace my Kitten Cat, Momma loves you!

Thanks for “listening”…